Monday

 I seen her yesterday,

she looks almost the same as she did when we last talked

I can't remember how many years it been.

more than 2? 5?

who knows.

She walked toward me and met my gaze.

I wish I knew what she was thinking.

Every time I spot her in a crowd,

I can't help but stare at her.

Amazed at the woman she has become,

even if I know very little about her.

I like to imagine her life full and happy.

I half smiled and cowboy nodded in her direction.

She had looked unsure at first and looked down.

I didn't waver my look.

She then looked back and returned with a small smile,

slightly curved but meaningful.

We kept walking, further and farther apart.

It was over.

But today, I think of her.

A hypothetical

 I wanted to know if he would chase me,

Chase after me, after an awful fight,

Words slamming to the ground,

Stuff we said in the heated moment.

He looked over at me,

Still holding the steering wheel,

Other hand holding mine.

"No."

I was easily let go?

No cat and mouse,

No fighting to keep us together?

Releasing his hand I continued to think,

Holding back my anger,

Possible hurt,

But no tears.

I don't need to lose myself on a hypothetical.

Deep down, I know he's not lying.

That's What She Said

 it was only 10pm

we all piled in my car just to take a drive.

everyone was spilling and dishing out secrets.

only because of the drinks they had during the game.

she then said "ugh, you can have him."

this wasn't the first time she had told me this.

she told me this once before she got pregnant.

our babies were 12+ months old,

i was married.

"you can have him,"

i knew how he felt about me,

hes felt that way since i was perhaps 6.

she was buzzed and looking for a way out,

out of my car,

out of her relationship.

many months pass and yet she still says,

"you can have him"

she was no longer with him,

but still giving me her blessing to take him.

he would look at me,

and i knew he loved me.

i loved him,

but i didnt want him.

not in that way.

the type of way,

only when i needed someone to call me out on my bull*.

when i needed a friend to hang out with.

when i wanted to feel loved back.

but his love was too strong.

its 9 years later and she says

"you can have him."

shes not buzzed, she sober.

shes not his, hes not hers.

she knows, him looking at me was "love"

love never given to her.

but still those words echo through the town,

"you can have him"

Burned

"You wore my favorite shirt,
the shirt that shows off your collar bones.
You wore your old school snap back,
and your faded jeans.

You looked at me and laughed,
your way of showing I stare too much.
I smiled as I watched you walk closer.
Walking with your hands in pocket."

I have you burned in my mind this way.

Forever Gone.

Loving Her is Difficult

 Loving her is difficult.

She married my brother,

has babies and bought a home.

I don't know if I can do that?

Can I make her happy?

She smiles as she walks around the farmers market,

I wonder what shes thinking about.

Is she thinking of my brother?, cooking that meal he loves so much.

When I watch them play,

she cuddles right up to him,

like their love will never end.

She married my brother.

I never see her cry,

she holds everything together as if her life is perfect.

Maybe it is?

Could I have made it perfect?

Loving her is difficult.

She smiles at me but then looks at him.

I cant hold her gaze long enough for her to wonder about us.

She married my brother.

Loving her is difficult.