Monday

 I seen her yesterday,

she looks almost the same as she did when we last talked

I can't remember how many years it been.

more than 2? 5?

who knows.

She walked toward me and met my gaze.

I wish I knew what she was thinking.

Every time I spot her in a crowd,

I can't help but stare at her.

Amazed at the woman she has become,

even if I know very little about her.

I like to imagine her life full and happy.

I half smiled and cowboy nodded in her direction.

She had looked unsure at first and looked down.

I didn't waver my look.

She then looked back and returned with a small smile,

slightly curved but meaningful.

We kept walking, further and farther apart.

It was over.

But today, I think of her.

Loving Her is Difficult

 Loving her is difficult.

She married my brother,

has babies and bought a home.

I don't know if I can do that?

Can I make her happy?

She smiles as she walks around the farmers market,

I wonder what shes thinking about.

Is she thinking of my brother?, cooking that meal he loves so much.

When I watch them play,

she cuddles right up to him,

like their love will never end.

She married my brother.

I never see her cry,

she holds everything together as if her life is perfect.

Maybe it is?

Could I have made it perfect?

Loving her is difficult.

She smiles at me but then looks at him.

I cant hold her gaze long enough for her to wonder about us.

She married my brother.

Loving her is difficult.

One Night

He took her to the bedroom,
laid her down where she use to lay.
He still had her in the back of his mind
as he kissed her neck and touch her hips.
It was then when he got on top of her,
he saw her staring back at him.
Smiling her playful smile;
he then blinked and she was no longer there.
He sat up and sat on the end of the bed.
She was puzzled,
and she wondered why he had this dark cloud over him.
She doesn't know anything about his past;
she came for a one night stand.
Yet his feelings are getting in the way.
She gently caressed his face and pulled him to her.
She looked in his eyes,
didn't see her,
but saw the love of his life.
She kisses his lips and numbs his pain.
Her poison spreads throughout his body.
He closed his eyes and relaxed.
After it was over, he stared at the ceiling.
She put on her clothes and left the room.
He turned over and let it sink in on what just happened.
He put his hand under his pillow,
Ready to go to sleep.
Pulled her picture out,
Traced her image and said;
Good Night

About Her

It's been almost a year since I've let her go.
I have these constant scenarios running in my head.
Wondering if she would have let me in.
Would it have gotten far?

Sometimes I dream things are still better between us.
I remember running down the street with her.
I remember her smile,
I should've kissed her.

I made a horrible mess,
sad thing is my actions don't realize it.
My friends think I'm ok,
yet they don't know I think of her every now and then.

I can sometimes hear her laugh,
laughing because "I" caused her that happiness.
Something I wish I can do it again.
I wonder if I brought her comfort?,
gave her what she wanted.

Does she know when she walks away,
I break.
Does she know when I see her,
I try to get close as I can get.
Try to be her shoulder again.

Instead she built a wall to keep me out.
A wall so high, my own high could never get me to the top.

Sometimes I pretend I'm walking next to her,
Like that night we walked in constant circles.
Talked about anything,
But it's been almost a year since I let her go.

I'll always wonder if she'll let me in.

Colors

We collided together,
our colors began to mix.
The world was our canvas,
splattering the world with every step we took.

Our colors never ran,
they were never grey.
Our love was red,
energy was green.

Everywhere we went,
we turned black to yellow.
Blending in with you,
you blending in with me.

It wasn't till you started fading,
I began losing myself.

I sat by your side,
watched as grey began to take over.
Soon you were no longer apart of this world,
the world around me started blackening.

No more sound,
no more sight.
I lost you,
then I lost myself

A Party for Him

I watched her as she hugged him,
he looked at her with a sincere look,
holding her hand in his,
she smiled and laughed.
They had a world, a language, and actions nobody could decode.

I tried my best to not watch them,
but as they sat there laughing; it reminded me of something.
She was never this way with me; not even now.
He said hi to his friends and family, but never really broke their conversation.
It was like he didn't want to let her go.

I don't think I could let her go.
It felt like they spent the whole night talking to each other,
but really its been twenty minutes.
Sadly it's been killing me inside.

So as I watch her walk away smiling at him,
sliding her hair behind her ear; she walks towards me.
She walks slowly losing that glow she had three seconds ago,
sliding her hand across my back to hold me.
I looked into her eyes,
but all I could see was him.

She belonged to me,
but her heart belonged to him.

Starting with You

It was 2010,
I found out you were pregnant,
having a baby
and suddenly things between us changed.

I couldn't breathe,
my heart stopped,
looking at you would no longer be the same.
That was until I saw you again,

I watched you as you smiled,
you sat there looking lost,
but still you had that glow,
not the pregnancy glow that everyone gets,
but the glow you've always had every time I looked at you.

A year went by,
I haven't seen you,
but I think about you off and on.
Wondering how you're doing,
if your thinking of me.

Things are different,
but I want to believe that things are the same between us.
I bet you're in love,
happy,
and better off without me.

I begin to imagine what it may have been like.
I heard the news that you got married,
everything went through my mind,
especially my last chance of being with you.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of you,
She sits there and smiles at me,
one thing is for certain;
she's not you.

Talking to you off and on
has always brought a smile to my face,
I believe in your voice,
I can feel your heart,
You're someone I can always count on.

Now I'll think of you as a married woman.
So as I sit her with her,
I try to forget you.

Know This

She ran around from the swings to the slide,
and back into my arms.
She smiled and pointed at the plane in the sky.

I smiled as she ran around in the grass with her arms spread open,
pretending to be a plane too.
When she laughs; she reminds me of you.
She don't know you're gone,
she don't know you're coming back.

I left you not knowing,
never wanting you to lose your focus.
Crying at night,
because soon I let you go completely; blaming it on the distance and time apart.

I left you wondering why,
you believed it was perfect; it was.
Still I made my decision to let you go and focus on your dreams.
You were fighting to be with me, but I changed my number and moved.

She plays with my hair, and tells me she loves me.
4 years old and still she takes my breath away.
You wanted adventure, and now I look at the pictures of you,
your happy.

If you were here right now,
I'd smile and wish you good things;
and if you were to ask about her, I'd lie and say she's mine.

........................................................................................................................


I'm laying in bed,
wondering why you let me go.
You were all I ever wanted,
My life.

I look up at the stars,
hoping your looking at them too.
Just like that night in November,
taking a drive to the lake.

You would smile at every little everything I said,
Laugh at every joke I told.
Looking back on it all, I'm wondering where I went wrong.

I know you hate the distance,
But I keep assuring you I'll be home.
I've been back in this country for about a year now,
Nothing but the same routine, Guard, Train, Eat, Sleep, and look at photos you sent me.

When I'm in town,
I visit your favorite places; in hope to see you.
Your best friend tells me your doing good,
but she don't tell me where you reside.
Your brother don't talk about you much,
Why did you leave?

I hear nothing but gun shots in the back ground,
my buddies laughing and joking around me.
They tell me to move on,
while one of my best friends tell me to not give up.

I try to fall asleep but I still end up laying here instead.
Do I miss you only?
I get up and check my email hoping to get one from you,
instead its my sister; "She's coming to town in two weeks."

My sister never liked you,
but she hates seeing me this way.
Coincidence you're back when I come back into town.
This time, after four and a half years; I'll hold on tight;
say all that I need to say, I still love you.

Think of Me

It's almost midnight.
I lay in the bed of my truck
listening to the music.
I count the stars,
while the moon hugs me with it's moon light.

The song plays;
a lovely melody.
I hum along and look up at the moon.
Talking to the moon is my getaway.

Whispering to him,
"Where ever you may be,
I hope you look up to the moon,
the stars, the sun; and think of me."

"When you hear my song,
I hope you dance."

"When you dream, I hope its of me,
in your arms is where I'm meant to be."

I look up and see shooting stars,
crashing into the other skies.
As the moon starts to fade
the sun rises.

Good bye to the moon,
I hope you think of me, like I think of you.

Summer Lake

She stood across from me,
Her dress trailed behind her as she walked around giving and receiving hugs.
I stood there watching her as she danced through the crowd,
Looking like the girl from the ‘Couture La La’ commercial; but natural.

She smiled and glanced towards me,
at that moment I was reminded of that week we spent here at the lake.
The week that made us inseparable,
we created our story about that week.

I dream of that week,
imagining your hair brushing against my cheek;
I miss you grabbing my hand to impress my with your palm reading.

I remember our little debates we used to have,
you believed in mermaids and fairy tales.
While on the other hand I believed in good swimmers and science.

I began to slip back into reality when I no longer see you in sight.
You must have left the party,
everyone is still enjoying themselves and I start to wonder why I'm still here.
No longer feeling the need to stay I walk back to my car.

That girl that was happy and confident
was now walking along the lake lost in thought.
Your hair was no longer up, but now
flowing down your back.
No longer in heels; now barefoot.

Dipping your toes in the water,
and finally letting out a smile.
I decided  I wasn't going to let this moment pass me by.

As I walked over,
I thought of different ways this would turn out.
You smiled and grabbed my hand,
by now it didn't matter how it would turn out; I was happy I was here with you.

We sat in under the tree,
it had our initials engraved in it;
soon everyone was leaving the party.
You grabbed your heels and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

For that quick moment I felt your hair brush against my face.
Soon all I saw was your tail lights.
You left me with another memory,
Till the next time I see you.

IT

I seem to always plan on letting myself go.
I'll let it's shiny side slide across and break down.
Everyone will forget I exist and I'll slip into the arms of the unknown.
Maybe I'll let it slowly slide down the back and let the darkness consume me.
Maybe I'll go and go till the room starts spinning out of my control.

After all these ideas/thoughts go to my head,
they'll create a major headache, one that will pound hard causing me to keep my eyes shut.
Soon I hear the pitter-patter of little feet that keep me alive and breathing.
"Mom" Three letter word pulsing my heart, living to be here for my son; watch him grow up.

Stupid Love

Stupid Love.
My heart stopped,
Like it does every time you walk through the door.
I don’t know whether it’s out of love or fear, maybe both.
Love: Excited to see your face,
But then fear will take over.
Fear: Dumb enough to fall back into your arms.
My heart stops and always grabs my neck.
Ordering me to not talk,
Or listen to any sweet lie.
I forget my words all the time,
I say something stupid or nothing.
My heart started and I came back to life;
Reality.
I wish I was able to block my feelings from entering my heart,
And let you slip right out.
Why did I do what I did?
Now you’re a memory,
Still fresh with every little reminder.
My heart can’t realize it so I repeat:
“You only want me when you’re lonely.”

"He told her “How do you do that?”
She said “Do what?”
“How do you get me to tell you everything I try to hide?”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s good because you know I trust you."

Tonight

I thought about what if i never heard your voice?
what if i never saw you again?
you dont know how much effect you have on my life
you might not know how much i care about you
a simple object can have me smiling
remembering the laughs, your smile,
so what if i never heard from you again?
my heart slowly and tragically breaking
my smile fading to grey
would my arms be able to hug again?
so what if you never came back?
would the word "love" make sense?
that space in my heart reserved for you;
would it be full again?
would i ever feel your kiss?
What if i never got the chance to tell you "i love you?"
would you know in your heart i thought about you everyday?
so if i never hear your voice or see your face
i want you to know with my whole heart
"i love you"

You Again

I saw your face today
cant say I didn't miss it
missed it so much I had to look away
I hid in the back so I didn't have the urge to look into your eyes
so I wouldn't fall back in love with you
letting you go to get my family back
I have my family
though your still in my heart
in my head
in my mind
I saw your face today
All I can say is I miss you

Phone Call

Today I heard from you
4 minutes felt like 4 seconds
those 4 minutes already captured me
they had me remembering you
we were an us
you became apart of me
a part that could not be erased or forgotten
4 minutes felt like 4 seconds
quick enough to feel your ghost holding me
chills down my spine from the sound of your voice
hoping to not hear you say "i miss you"
if I did I'd probably shatter
4 minutes felt like 4 seconds
quick but slow enough to miss you

Dancing Away with My Heart

It's the song that plays in my head when i find myself thinking of you.
You were seventeen, jokes and old conversations play in my head, and I feel myself falling back in love with you.
You became an amazing person and I am glad you achieved what you have wanted, so please keep achieving your hopes and dreams.
In the end, I hope you find someone that loves you the way I love you.

Your Beautiful

my dream come true,
the day i met you,
never did i think or believe i'd love you,
first date to first kiss,
your outgoingness, my shyness,
couple days to a couple weeks
your love seeped into my heart.
together, you and i,
brief or extended time,
little or lengthy distance,
i'll be here for you.
always is what you say,
and always is what i hope to be.
i love you.