Monday

 I seen her yesterday,

she looks almost the same as she did when we last talked

I can't remember how many years it been.

more than 2? 5?

who knows.

She walked toward me and met my gaze.

I wish I knew what she was thinking.

Every time I spot her in a crowd,

I can't help but stare at her.

Amazed at the woman she has become,

even if I know very little about her.

I like to imagine her life full and happy.

I half smiled and cowboy nodded in her direction.

She had looked unsure at first and looked down.

I didn't waver my look.

She then looked back and returned with a small smile,

slightly curved but meaningful.

We kept walking, further and farther apart.

It was over.

But today, I think of her.

Last Time

When I wake up you're the first thing that pops in my head.
Should I smile or be disappointed?
I start my wash,
take a shower,
cook something to eat.
But still during those times I think of you.

Blaming Mr. Universe

Word after word, he reread their letters and E-Mails.

He smiles reading her joke she repeated all the time.

She reads the letters and E-Mails too,

Remembers words she wished she never left out.

Writing.

Does he still read this?
I have no page views from the United States.

I wonder if I should stop writing in my journal to someone who probably is not there.
Maybe he's looking at the computer screen.
Typing a message, letter, note, etc., wanting to press send.
Slowly hitting the backspace button, deleting the word "Hi"
or maybe the phrase "I'm Sorry"
I'm hoping for at least a "."

But as I sit on this side of the screen, state, world, universe; I'll write:
"I hope you're happy."

Not in a mean way but in a reassuring way.

You Let Me Go

I have held my head up high for half the year.
I smiled and brushed it off as if it was dirt on my hands.
Changed the subject as if it was boring me.
Left the room to brush my hair only to avoid conversation.

They told me a story and it was relating to you.
They asked why did it end?
My brother looks at me as if to see if I'm okay with answering these nonsensical questions.
He knows these stories and questions tug on my heart strings.

Then they say "oh yeah, he can't talk to you"

As I said, my head has been held high for half the year,
but they're waiting for it to fall.
They're waiting for the blob of tears to crash out.

"No, I just let him go"

That's all I came up with.
I didn't fight to be with him.
He didn't fight to be with me.

We had a story and it ended,
Truth is he let me go because he lost a fight.

Smile

He woke up and noticed that the girl he dreamed of was not the girl he woke up to every morning. They had taken the next step committing to each other by moving in together. Her pink blankets draped on the bed, and her towels neatly hung in the bathroom.

He sits up and watches an old 80’s flick in his white casual t-shirt he had fallen asleep in. Sweat pants with cartoon characters collaged all over them, hugging him in every right way. When she walks in on him, she sees nothing but a lazy guy in bed.

“Get dressed, please,” she wasn’t up for a day in bed. “We’re supposed to meet Justin and Sarah for lunch. Why is it you never want to be with me and my friends? For once can you just get dressed for me?”

He looked at her and smiled. His smile was accepted as a yes. She walked out of the room and left him to get ready. Shower. Check. In their closet he picked out his clothes, as he was walking out a box fell out of place; a box containing memories of his past life.

The girl in his dreams also happened to be the same girl in this box he carried. He knew if she found this box it would hurt her, because she knows of a girl; but does not know this is her. When the box opened he grabbed a picture. In the photo you can see her smiling, her hair blowing in the wind in the passenger seat of his car. The same day this girl also told him she loved him.

“Are you ready yet?” he covered the box with the blankets and put on a clean shirt. She stood by the door with her arms crossed, giving up she stormed in the other room. He puts on his jeans, runs his fingers through his hair and calls it good.

He can hear her looking for the car keys, walking around in her heels and getting impatient. He puts the photo back into the box, and returns it to the closet.

“Now can you please act like you’re having fun for today?”

He looked at her and smiled.

Tell Me Why

I all of a sudden felt his gaze hugging me,
but it was as if we have never parted.
My heart took it okay but my mind was having trouble to accept what was happening between us.
My mind convinced me to never let a new chapter of us begin,
build a steeper hill and have a higher wall to climb.

Instead I'm slowly letting him trickle in,
the cracks in my shattered heart are beginning to mend.

He put me in a place where it is up to me to work this out,
but as my heart and mind fight; I cant win.

One Night

He took her to the bedroom,
laid her down where she use to lay.
He still had her in the back of his mind
as he kissed her neck and touch her hips.
It was then when he got on top of her,
he saw her staring back at him.
Smiling her playful smile;
he then blinked and she was no longer there.
He sat up and sat on the end of the bed.
She was puzzled,
and she wondered why he had this dark cloud over him.
She doesn't know anything about his past;
she came for a one night stand.
Yet his feelings are getting in the way.
She gently caressed his face and pulled him to her.
She looked in his eyes,
didn't see her,
but saw the love of his life.
She kisses his lips and numbs his pain.
Her poison spreads throughout his body.
He closed his eyes and relaxed.
After it was over, he stared at the ceiling.
She put on her clothes and left the room.
He turned over and let it sink in on what just happened.
He put his hand under his pillow,
Ready to go to sleep.
Pulled her picture out,
Traced her image and said;
Good Night

December 16th, 2013

He walked with the crowd,
blended in,
but his voice stood out.
Soon all I could see was him smiling.
My heart jumped,
almost out of my chest and onto the counter.
Soon I couldnt stop my mouth from moving,
words fell out,
some words did not make any sense.
Then I stood there quietly,
just listening to him talk about anything.
Anything at this moment would be fine.
Food, family, and moon cheese.
He caused it all.
3 years of not seeing each other,
and finally I was with him.
Again he was wearing a black tshirt,
just like the last time I was in his arms.
We were no longer an ocean apart,
no longer a time difference,
the universe was no longer against us.
God I've missed him.
I still have goosebumps and chills running down my back.
Now I'm hoping this feeling never goes away....

what he doesn't know

He doesn't know that from time to time; I cry.
He doesn't know that days after the argument; I cried for days.
I blamed everyone around me.
Blaming myself for not caring for him enough.
I broke my phone screen and now when I look at it I remember the pain;
The heart ache that caused my eyes to swell.
I remember the last day we spent together, but deep down it wasn't enough for him.
He doesn't know that when I hear his song, again my tears began to flow.
He doesn't know that when I hear about him,
I hope that everything good is going his way.

I'm not going to be there to greet him like others do;

talk to him like others do, 

but most of all hug him like others do.

So I'll shut my mouth,

and keep my emotions bottled up.

What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

J.

They tell her to be quiet.

Before she can speak,
they know what she wants to rant on about.
They know that when she sits there quietly,
she thinks of her.

She begins to say "I.."
"We Know!" they say.
How can she not mention her?
Why don't they understand?

When she goes to sleep,
she dreams.
Dreams about the days when they were inseperable.

When she says her name,
the words "I miss you" follow right behind.

Thinking about the last time she saw her,
there was flowers blooming,
the scent of the grass,
and the sound of deer snacking in the park.
But now there is snow on the ground.

If only she could see her face,
maybe it would be enough to last the winter she has ahead of her.

They tell her to be quiet.
All she wants to say is;
"I miss her..."

About Her

It's been almost a year since I've let her go.
I have these constant scenarios running in my head.
Wondering if she would have let me in.
Would it have gotten far?

Sometimes I dream things are still better between us.
I remember running down the street with her.
I remember her smile,
I should've kissed her.

I made a horrible mess,
sad thing is my actions don't realize it.
My friends think I'm ok,
yet they don't know I think of her every now and then.

I can sometimes hear her laugh,
laughing because "I" caused her that happiness.
Something I wish I can do it again.
I wonder if I brought her comfort?,
gave her what she wanted.

Does she know when she walks away,
I break.
Does she know when I see her,
I try to get close as I can get.
Try to be her shoulder again.

Instead she built a wall to keep me out.
A wall so high, my own high could never get me to the top.

Sometimes I pretend I'm walking next to her,
Like that night we walked in constant circles.
Talked about anything,
But it's been almost a year since I let her go.

I'll always wonder if she'll let me in.

Think of Me

It's almost midnight.
I lay in the bed of my truck
listening to the music.
I count the stars,
while the moon hugs me with it's moon light.

The song plays;
a lovely melody.
I hum along and look up at the moon.
Talking to the moon is my getaway.

Whispering to him,
"Where ever you may be,
I hope you look up to the moon,
the stars, the sun; and think of me."

"When you hear my song,
I hope you dance."

"When you dream, I hope its of me,
in your arms is where I'm meant to be."

I look up and see shooting stars,
crashing into the other skies.
As the moon starts to fade
the sun rises.

Good bye to the moon,
I hope you think of me, like I think of you.

Summer Lake

She stood across from me,
Her dress trailed behind her as she walked around giving and receiving hugs.
I stood there watching her as she danced through the crowd,
Looking like the girl from the ‘Couture La La’ commercial; but natural.

She smiled and glanced towards me,
at that moment I was reminded of that week we spent here at the lake.
The week that made us inseparable,
we created our story about that week.

I dream of that week,
imagining your hair brushing against my cheek;
I miss you grabbing my hand to impress my with your palm reading.

I remember our little debates we used to have,
you believed in mermaids and fairy tales.
While on the other hand I believed in good swimmers and science.

I began to slip back into reality when I no longer see you in sight.
You must have left the party,
everyone is still enjoying themselves and I start to wonder why I'm still here.
No longer feeling the need to stay I walk back to my car.

That girl that was happy and confident
was now walking along the lake lost in thought.
Your hair was no longer up, but now
flowing down your back.
No longer in heels; now barefoot.

Dipping your toes in the water,
and finally letting out a smile.
I decided  I wasn't going to let this moment pass me by.

As I walked over,
I thought of different ways this would turn out.
You smiled and grabbed my hand,
by now it didn't matter how it would turn out; I was happy I was here with you.

We sat in under the tree,
it had our initials engraved in it;
soon everyone was leaving the party.
You grabbed your heels and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

For that quick moment I felt your hair brush against my face.
Soon all I saw was your tail lights.
You left me with another memory,
Till the next time I see you.

Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw song in the background

I noticed a little quote just in the last 3 minutes.
"Never Give Up On Someone That You Can't Go A Day Without Thinking About Them"
Since the beginning of this month I thought over and over about whether I should,
whether I shouldn't let you go.

My heart beats faster
chills tickle down my back
I slide my finger in my hair pulling it behind my ear.
and I imagine you standing in front of me.

I let my mind run wild and I said whatever I needed to get off my chest.
Tears stream down my face
your face no longer the smile I pictured
your arms trying to pull me close.

Instead I push you away this time not allowing you to get me to change my mind.
We were at the point in our relationship where we no longer talked.
It was the decision I had to make,
they say if I mattered you would have done your best to communicate.

I wanted your voice,
I wanted your arms,
I wanted to be your everything.
Instead I was forgotten.

This Town

Snow gently fell to the ground,
the cars and trucks passed by,
I sit here thinking of you.
I remember the times you would dance me in the street.
I remember the ring you gave me,
bring a smile to my face.
Sitting in your lap,
watching you laugh while you rocked me back and forth.
the snow continues to fall continuously,
I notice the kids having fun throwing snowballs,
catching snowflakes,
and then I feel the joy I had when we did the exact same three years ago.
They continue to play in a big snow pile,
the pile of snow where we use to lay and look at the clouds.
Holding hands, telling stories.
I then grab my coat,
and begin walking,
not knowing where i'll take myself.
This song has been playing in my head,
I'm at your shop.
There you are,
standing with her, the way you use to with me.
No longer with the ring on my hand,
but now on her's.
I should be moving along how far would I get
with this sad song ringing in my head.
I know it's over, its been over for a year,
and I still miss you.

"I just really miss you, I just really miss you,
There's a life I can't ask you to leave.
I just really miss you, right now I kinda want to.
The closest that you'll ever be to me
is free."

Stupid Love

Stupid Love.
My heart stopped,
Like it does every time you walk through the door.
I don’t know whether it’s out of love or fear, maybe both.
Love: Excited to see your face,
But then fear will take over.
Fear: Dumb enough to fall back into your arms.
My heart stops and always grabs my neck.
Ordering me to not talk,
Or listen to any sweet lie.
I forget my words all the time,
I say something stupid or nothing.
My heart started and I came back to life;
Reality.
I wish I was able to block my feelings from entering my heart,
And let you slip right out.
Why did I do what I did?
Now you’re a memory,
Still fresh with every little reminder.
My heart can’t realize it so I repeat:
“You only want me when you’re lonely.”

Your Gaze

I looked into your eyes and looked away. You probably looked at me as if hoping I would take a notice to you. I fought back and forth in my head, what if I said something, what would the outcome have been? I’d probably be fighting with my demons, telling me how rude it was to do such a thing. So instead I fight with my guilt and sympathy. I could have just smiled and said Hi and walked away, right? Now questions replay over and over in my head “are you mad at me?, should I text you?, will you respond?” If I could only say sorry, what if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I imagine you saying “why haven’t you texted me yet?” truth to why I haven’t texted you is; I want you to text me first. Even if you say “your turn to text first” I wanna say I Miss You. The End.

Don't Forget

Don’t forget the one dimple on your cheek.

Don’t forget that scar on your middle finger.

Don’t forget that beauty mark that matches mine.

Don’t forget 2:15pm.

Don’t forget County Road 521.

Don’t forget about the monster under your bed.

Don’t forget the shirt I left for you in your top drawer.

Don’t forget “Teagan”

Don’t forget the color green.

Don’t forget the number 23

All things about us that I can’t let go, maybe you haven’t either.

All Over...Again!

It started with a phone call, led to a hug; What comes after a hug?

A simple kiss, you pulled me into your arms and lifted my chin so I could no longer look at my feet. You brushed my hair from my face, you hated the way I always hid from your gaze. That look in your eye was at the same time intense and easy.

Kiss.

It happened. My power was no longer strong enough to stand you curse. Just once, was the thought that went through my head. But when I’m with you everything changes and I’m back in love with you. How could someone like you be so powerful?