Yours

 I use to feel like yours

tangled in you

kisses here, kisses there

fingers touching every piece of you

I use to feel like yours

songs in my ear

heartbeats in sync

humming my name

I use to feel like yours

sleeping separately

no longer talking

running out of every room you enter

I use to feel like yours

listening to you breath in your sleep

I lay awake screaming, hoping you can hear me

my heart is hurting.

I use to feel like yours

I don't feel like yours

do you want me to be yours?

Not Alone.

She laid there on the couch,
drifting off to sleep;
still listening to her Korean drama show.

It happened so fast only her eyes shot open,
she was covered with a blanket.
Nothing, right?
Wrong.

She felt the blanket pinned her to the couch.
The couch where an hour ago kids were watching TV.
An hour ago where everyone was winding down for the night.

The blanket pinned her perfectly,
perfectly with the weight of someone she knew and lived with.
"Let's Try Something"
Three words that are loud and unforgettable,
with fingers sliding up her leg.
Her eyes wide open...

I woke up with tears streaming down my face,
still feeling the heat on my neck as he said those three words.
My whimpering soon became a loud cry,
waking my mother and baby laying next to me.

What happened they said?
How can I tell my mother the guy we were living with has been "trying."
My baby says "it's okay I'm right here."
I duck every time he's near,
If he taps my shoulder; I go straight to fight mode.

If I'm awake,
why do I still hear his words on my neck.
I never want to be alone.

I Stay

As I screamed to the world and friends how much I loved him.
I got nothing in return.
I Stay.
A cold rush of wind blew threw my hair.
Chills blanketed my arms.
But as I said "I Love You"
I heard nothing but the echo of my own words bounce back at me.
He did nothing but smile.
As if he had won a game and I was the one who lost.
He never told anyone about our love.
Laughed with others but never mentioned me,
especially being that I was standing next to him.
He breaks my heart,
but never cares; he probably likes watching it fall to pieces.
I stay.
That's practically all I can say right now, "I Stay"

I want to be loved privately and publicly.
He can kiss me,
Touch me,
but never loves me.
I'm hopeless.
"Don't say I never tried."
I Stay.

Story Teller

She told her about the ups and downs in her life. Told her about the one who broke her heart but said sorry. She then told her about the one that she lost; all from jealousy. So far there were no ups in her life. With her voice shaking she then began telling her of the one who steals her confidence, youth, and beauty.

He lives in the place she calls home. He stares at her from behind as if she cannot see or feel his eyes lingering on her skin. He pretends to joke, when really he touches for his own pleasure. While he is hovering over her body, she pushes and fights for her life. No one notices, she don’t say a thing because who would believe her. She told her guardian, her protector, but instead they brushed it of as a joke. So while she locks herself in the bathroom, she looks in the mirror and wonders what is triggering his behavior. Why does his wife not notice? Is she not pleasing him enough?

She covers herself in two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, and baggy sweats. Stays hidden in her bed, never going upstairs to the light, because that is where he lingers. He lives in the place she calls home. She want’s so much to escape but instead traps herself in the place he also calls home.

As she finished telling her story; she who was listening, hugs her.  

Tell Me Why

I all of a sudden felt his gaze hugging me,
but it was as if we have never parted.
My heart took it okay but my mind was having trouble to accept what was happening between us.
My mind convinced me to never let a new chapter of us begin,
build a steeper hill and have a higher wall to climb.

Instead I'm slowly letting him trickle in,
the cracks in my shattered heart are beginning to mend.

He put me in a place where it is up to me to work this out,
but as my heart and mind fight; I cant win.

What You've Done

He pushed me away,
thought it was funny to see me cry,
sat there laughing,
blocking me from exiting out of his life.

I laid in his bed,
drugged off of his spell.
I hear her in the other room.

You go on like I dont hear you,
I walk around the room,
days go by; quicker never slow.

The darkness lurks close by,
I smell her on my pillow;
her lipstick kisses on the mirror.

You pushed me away,
still you wont let me leave.
My friends won't even come over,
haven't seen my family either,
they believe I'm in Alaska.
My job was very demanding.

The bruise on my face hasn't healed,
she still returns;
not knowing the things you do.

As the days go by
I start to forget myself;
My name, My Family, and even your name.

As everyone forgets me,
I become more attached to you,
remembering the arguments; the fights.

I'm fighting to get out,
but still in the end;
no one will know, that I'm lifeless in your attic.
No longer able to return.

She was that little girl again.

The door bell rang,
constant knocks on the door.
"You afraid someones gonna rape you?!"
She unlocked the door and let in his family.

It was her habit of locking doors,
she would lock her bathroom door;
only for putting make up on.
She locked her bedroom door;
only to watch TV.
She locked her self in the closet;
only to look for shoes.

She smiled and went back to her room and locked her door.
The kids ran around the house,
listened to his aunt laugh at the baby,
jumped when she heard loud footsteps.
She even freaked out if it was dead silent.

Grabbing her purple blanket,
she sits on the couch.
Memories flash through her head,
remembering the sound of the door knob jiggle,
feeling eyes watch her while she slept.

She starts slipping into her dreams,
and soon enough she relives her past.
Panting and sore feet,
she pushed her bed in front of the door,
taped paper on her windows,
not letting anyone look in her room.

She watches the door knob jiggle,
soon it pops,
he forces him self through the door and smiles at her.

She then feels his hands on her neck,
and the weight of him on top of her,
shes feeling for an object and soon she hits him.

She's climbing off her bed and into the hallway from which he came,
he then grabs her foot,
fights her to bring her close.

She cries and fights but soon,
she was that little girl again.

She wakes up to the sound of the cooking alarm,
crying on the couch,
his family don't know what she went through.

They continue to tease her,
"You afraid someones gonna rape you?!"
In her mind she always replies:
"It wouldnt be the first time."

The Day I left

I stared at him that night, I watched him fall into his deep slumber. I then went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and asked myself “is this who I became?” I had bruises on my arms, self inflicted is what they called them. I decided to pack my bags, packing everything that had a memory attached to it. No one is concerned with my problems, yet they walk on eggshells around me. Wondering when the next show is going to happen, yet I don’t know either. I grab my white flip flops, my “Falling Up” t-shirt, and my faded blue jeans. Pack them in my ”Hello Kitty” gym bag. He’s still lying there asleep not knowing whats going on. The Show. I pack my bag with more things; the picture frame with some random dog in it, the cooking spatula, and the TV remote, maybe I should take the living room rug. As I grab these “things” I continuously wipe the tears that are falling from my eyes. When I’m finally not able to pack any more “valuables” I grab his truck keys.
I drive to the bridge where we got married, barely able to see through the rain.
I kiss the railing and soon the rain is falling into big fat drops. I climb back into his truck and cry some more, yelling at myself for being this weak; stubborn. I grab the bag and slam the truck door. The first thing grab is my outfit, the outfit you first struck me in. No one saw or heard my cry when I ran away from you. I hold it and then I let the outfit slip through my fingers and fall into the river 10 feet below. I then get the spatula, you made me dinner to apologize and hoped I would take you back; it worked, I did. I throw it out of anger, I can’t believe I was dumb enough to fall for you. The TV remote is next, we watched your TV show and you got upset when I changed it. You then punished me with the remote, giving me multiple bruises on my leg; I let it drop. The picture frame with the random dog is the last of it. I came home late, without argument or warning; you threw it. You grabbed me and then threw me against the wall. The original frame broke, this is the replacement; but that same night I cut myself over and over.
I get in the truck and soon our song comes on; becomes a motivator. I put it in neutral and push. I watched it plummet those 10 feet, taking the railing I kissed with it.

Stupid Love

Stupid Love.
My heart stopped,
Like it does every time you walk through the door.
I don’t know whether it’s out of love or fear, maybe both.
Love: Excited to see your face,
But then fear will take over.
Fear: Dumb enough to fall back into your arms.
My heart stops and always grabs my neck.
Ordering me to not talk,
Or listen to any sweet lie.
I forget my words all the time,
I say something stupid or nothing.
My heart started and I came back to life;
Reality.
I wish I was able to block my feelings from entering my heart,
And let you slip right out.
Why did I do what I did?
Now you’re a memory,
Still fresh with every little reminder.
My heart can’t realize it so I repeat:
“You only want me when you’re lonely.”