its not what it seems... at times

my heart was broken a couple weeks ago,
as it was a year from then.
not many know the real you,
as right now i'm starting to know the real you.

a year ago my heart was broken by the comment you made to a girl.
i barely told you i was pregnant,
you acted out in a way i didn't want to believe.
"I love that nice ass" burns in my mind.

my baby was the only one there to comfort me,
but i needed my best friend.

as that passed you became the man i knew,
the attentive father and loving boyfriend.
my heart was full again.

my son says "dada" but once again my heart is broken
a year ago you told me you loved me and that this wouldn't happen.
only worse.

"dear friend,
she's a bitch, i'm not with her,
she only lets me see my son three times a week,
dear friend we are not together."

i put my son to sleep
tell him i love him and leave you be.

but at least your smart enough to know what just happened.
my best friend comes, i love her for that.
"should i leave" is all i say.

I could be the person you wrote me out to be
but i can't.
my son needs a father.

I love you but i dont know anymore.

I'm Letting You Go

Today is going to be the last day I take any crap from you,
I let you in over and over,
guilty is the pain I feel for helping you cheat on my mom,
I was little but I still carry it around with me.

You told me you loved me,
You told me you cared,
but I guess girl #4 was right,
Me and my brother were nothing but kids that lived with you.

Ever since girl#4 my other little brother hasn't been the same.
Now girl #5 i'm sure he will be very different.

To my mom, you never wanted to talk,
you said things like, "my mom died, i don't need a mom"
Money? you generously gave it all up to the casino,
also bought gas to take girl #5 to the movies to stuff her face with popcorn,

With my mom you never wanted to go out to the movies,
go out and eat,
instead you had her clean up your filthy mess,
fold your damn wash, and pay for the bills

you told me you loved me, but i stopped believing that after you failed the second chance.

now all im wondering is when will you want my mom again?
after girl#5 stops cleaning, cooking, and paying for your bills?

Im not the only one letting you go,
so is my Mom.

My Uncle Daddy T

This point in my life I have been having my ups and downs, been confused on who is actually here for me and those that aren’t. My uncle T seems to have it together right now, especially now that I feel everyone is unstable and unreliable; everyone meaning my other uncle’s and grandpa. From being a little girl who would belly flop on him to the girl who is now taking care of her own son; I could proudly say he has not bailed on me or disappointed me. When I was nine I lost my dad, after growing up with him around all the time, it seemed as if he filled an empty spot in my heart, not replacing my dad but having the spot next to him. So when I found out I was pregnant I was scared and worried on how my uncle T was going to take it since he was second dad. Of course he was happy for me and told me I’m still his ‘little Tay,’ that nickname always reassures me that he loves me and he is not going to abandon me. I love him with all my heart, my son Forrest will have the best godfather, well as soon as he’s baptized, he will know the love and joy I feel every time I’m around him and his family.

My Heart

I never planned to be pregnant at 18 and be a mom at 19; my plan was to wait till I was at least 23; not much to do about it now. I’m not going to back out; I don’t think I’d change it for anything. Feeling the kicks and hiccups inside me bring constant joy, happy to know someone special is growing big and strong inside me. The one who knows my heartbeat more than anyone would ever know, especially hearing my own baby’s heartbeat makes our connection even stronger. I have a couple weeks till my due date, I’ll be able to sleep on my tummy and many other things but till then I can wait. Soon I’ll be able to see my baby’s face looking up at me; then he’ll soon be at the age when he will be saying “I love you, Mom!”

Him Vs. He

i lay by him as the days come to an end,
sometimes lay there drifting into a nice slumber,
other; i lay there listening to the sound of his voice,
now; i lay here writing and thinking about a "what if"

at one point in my life my heart seemed to be in love with him,
then i met the one i fell in love with and he soon changed my life,
he and him are two i will always seem to keep in my heart.

laying here thinking; "have i found the one?"
"does my heart truly love "he"?"

him was my first love,
if i was with him would i be laying here in his arms?
would i have this same wide smile on my face?
can i be able to cry in his arms, like i do in "he"?
him was my first love.

he lays here sleeping soundly as i write this,
the quiet snore out beats the fans humming.
if i truly love "he" i wouldnt be questioning it, right?
he loves me and i love he,
without "he" i dont think i'd be happy like i am at this moment,
our heartbeats sync with one anothers and i fit just right in his arms.

him and me? i guess we will never be because i love He