Blaming Mr. Universe

Word after word, he reread their letters and E-Mails.

He smiles reading her joke she repeated all the time.

She reads the letters and E-Mails too,

Remembers words she wished she never left out.

You Let Me Go

I have held my head up high for half the year.
I smiled and brushed it off as if it was dirt on my hands.
Changed the subject as if it was boring me.
Left the room to brush my hair only to avoid conversation.

They told me a story and it was relating to you.
They asked why did it end?
My brother looks at me as if to see if I'm okay with answering these nonsensical questions.
He knows these stories and questions tug on my heart strings.

Then they say "oh yeah, he can't talk to you"

As I said, my head has been held high for half the year,
but they're waiting for it to fall.
They're waiting for the blob of tears to crash out.

"No, I just let him go"

That's all I came up with.
I didn't fight to be with him.
He didn't fight to be with me.

We had a story and it ended,
Truth is he let me go because he lost a fight.

Bye

You looked me in the eye and for that quick second, I knew it was over. I watched your lips form the phrase “Love of My Life”.

I smiled the best I could, but deep down inside my heart was cracking. You were finally happy, after all these years of searching for love.

As for me, I was and always will be in love with the idea of you. You were tall, fine lines, and humor that captured my heart.

I still watched you talk about how independent, free spirited but slightly controlling she is. How you guys first met.

But as my heart started to crumble at the pit of my stomach, I nicely broke you off in mid-sentence. Honestly I no longer could listen about her anymore. She had something that once belonged to me, which I knew I would never get back.

I left with a “bye”. A hug was no longer normal. I feared I would never let you go, I even told myself you would not see me cry.

It was done with a “bye”.

Smile

He woke up and noticed that the girl he dreamed of was not the girl he woke up to every morning. They had taken the next step committing to each other by moving in together. Her pink blankets draped on the bed, and her towels neatly hung in the bathroom.

He sits up and watches an old 80’s flick in his white casual t-shirt he had fallen asleep in. Sweat pants with cartoon characters collaged all over them, hugging him in every right way. When she walks in on him, she sees nothing but a lazy guy in bed.

“Get dressed, please,” she wasn’t up for a day in bed. “We’re supposed to meet Justin and Sarah for lunch. Why is it you never want to be with me and my friends? For once can you just get dressed for me?”

He looked at her and smiled. His smile was accepted as a yes. She walked out of the room and left him to get ready. Shower. Check. In their closet he picked out his clothes, as he was walking out a box fell out of place; a box containing memories of his past life.

The girl in his dreams also happened to be the same girl in this box he carried. He knew if she found this box it would hurt her, because she knows of a girl; but does not know this is her. When the box opened he grabbed a picture. In the photo you can see her smiling, her hair blowing in the wind in the passenger seat of his car. The same day this girl also told him she loved him.

“Are you ready yet?” he covered the box with the blankets and put on a clean shirt. She stood by the door with her arms crossed, giving up she stormed in the other room. He puts on his jeans, runs his fingers through his hair and calls it good.

He can hear her looking for the car keys, walking around in her heels and getting impatient. He puts the photo back into the box, and returns it to the closet.

“Now can you please act like you’re having fun for today?”

He looked at her and smiled.

Keeping it Together

He didn’t say “stay away.”

He didn’t say “we can’t be friends.”

He didn’t say “It’s over.”

But then again they were all things she had heard before.
Not from him but from someone who meant a lot to her as well.
She didn’t cry this time,
Instead she just walked away from this.
She pulled herself out before she could get hurt again,
Tear stained pillow cases,
And tissues overflowing the trash can,
Was not something she wanted to see again.
He let her talk but after that he stood there quiet.
She was not going to wait for tears to form,
So she left with her heart barely intact.

He became another friend lost.

One Night

He took her to the bedroom,
laid her down where she use to lay.
He still had her in the back of his mind
as he kissed her neck and touch her hips.
It was then when he got on top of her,
he saw her staring back at him.
Smiling her playful smile;
he then blinked and she was no longer there.
He sat up and sat on the end of the bed.
She was puzzled,
and she wondered why he had this dark cloud over him.
She doesn't know anything about his past;
she came for a one night stand.
Yet his feelings are getting in the way.
She gently caressed his face and pulled him to her.
She looked in his eyes,
didn't see her,
but saw the love of his life.
She kisses his lips and numbs his pain.
Her poison spreads throughout his body.
He closed his eyes and relaxed.
After it was over, he stared at the ceiling.
She put on her clothes and left the room.
He turned over and let it sink in on what just happened.
He put his hand under his pillow,
Ready to go to sleep.
Pulled her picture out,
Traced her image and said;
Good Night

About Her

It's been almost a year since I've let her go.
I have these constant scenarios running in my head.
Wondering if she would have let me in.
Would it have gotten far?

Sometimes I dream things are still better between us.
I remember running down the street with her.
I remember her smile,
I should've kissed her.

I made a horrible mess,
sad thing is my actions don't realize it.
My friends think I'm ok,
yet they don't know I think of her every now and then.

I can sometimes hear her laugh,
laughing because "I" caused her that happiness.
Something I wish I can do it again.
I wonder if I brought her comfort?,
gave her what she wanted.

Does she know when she walks away,
I break.
Does she know when I see her,
I try to get close as I can get.
Try to be her shoulder again.

Instead she built a wall to keep me out.
A wall so high, my own high could never get me to the top.

Sometimes I pretend I'm walking next to her,
Like that night we walked in constant circles.
Talked about anything,
But it's been almost a year since I let her go.

I'll always wonder if she'll let me in.

Friday

Unexpectedly you come in,
one look towards me and then a look to the floor.
Clearing my throat,
but still feeling annoyed.

It wasn't that long ago,
five months to be exact.
Bets going on to see how long you'd last.

"Sorry for being a Douche."

I'm thinking to myself,
let this end,
pray I don't lose myself.

"Ok"

You apologize but that's all I can say,
I let you walk out the door,
maybe feeling confused,
maybe even frustrated.

It wasn't that long ago that you cut me off,
It wasn't that long ago that you broke my heart.
but long enough for me to come to terms that you no longer want me in your life.

I can't jump for joy because you apologized,
but I will jump for joy because finally,
after all this time;
you realized you were a ass for what you did.

Letting you in my life would be a mistake,
and letting you slip away is also a curse.

Starting with You

It was 2010,
I found out you were pregnant,
having a baby
and suddenly things between us changed.

I couldn't breathe,
my heart stopped,
looking at you would no longer be the same.
That was until I saw you again,

I watched you as you smiled,
you sat there looking lost,
but still you had that glow,
not the pregnancy glow that everyone gets,
but the glow you've always had every time I looked at you.

A year went by,
I haven't seen you,
but I think about you off and on.
Wondering how you're doing,
if your thinking of me.

Things are different,
but I want to believe that things are the same between us.
I bet you're in love,
happy,
and better off without me.

I begin to imagine what it may have been like.
I heard the news that you got married,
everything went through my mind,
especially my last chance of being with you.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking of you,
She sits there and smiles at me,
one thing is for certain;
she's not you.

Talking to you off and on
has always brought a smile to my face,
I believe in your voice,
I can feel your heart,
You're someone I can always count on.

Now I'll think of you as a married woman.
So as I sit her with her,
I try to forget you.

Stupid Love

Stupid Love.
My heart stopped,
Like it does every time you walk through the door.
I don’t know whether it’s out of love or fear, maybe both.
Love: Excited to see your face,
But then fear will take over.
Fear: Dumb enough to fall back into your arms.
My heart stops and always grabs my neck.
Ordering me to not talk,
Or listen to any sweet lie.
I forget my words all the time,
I say something stupid or nothing.
My heart started and I came back to life;
Reality.
I wish I was able to block my feelings from entering my heart,
And let you slip right out.
Why did I do what I did?
Now you’re a memory,
Still fresh with every little reminder.
My heart can’t realize it so I repeat:
“You only want me when you’re lonely.”

Your Gaze

I looked into your eyes and looked away. You probably looked at me as if hoping I would take a notice to you. I fought back and forth in my head, what if I said something, what would the outcome have been? I’d probably be fighting with my demons, telling me how rude it was to do such a thing. So instead I fight with my guilt and sympathy. I could have just smiled and said Hi and walked away, right? Now questions replay over and over in my head “are you mad at me?, should I text you?, will you respond?” If I could only say sorry, what if I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I imagine you saying “why haven’t you texted me yet?” truth to why I haven’t texted you is; I want you to text me first. Even if you say “your turn to text first” I wanna say I Miss You. The End.

It Could Be

It could be the way you say my name,

the way it rolls off your lips and into the air.

It could be the way your arms hold the back of my neck,

controlling how long our kisses last and how bad you want to taste them.

But it also could be me,

allowing you to control my every motion.

Don't Forget

Don’t forget the one dimple on your cheek.

Don’t forget that scar on your middle finger.

Don’t forget that beauty mark that matches mine.

Don’t forget 2:15pm.

Don’t forget County Road 521.

Don’t forget about the monster under your bed.

Don’t forget the shirt I left for you in your top drawer.

Don’t forget “Teagan”

Don’t forget the color green.

Don’t forget the number 23

All things about us that I can’t let go, maybe you haven’t either.

All Over...Again!

It started with a phone call, led to a hug; What comes after a hug?

A simple kiss, you pulled me into your arms and lifted my chin so I could no longer look at my feet. You brushed my hair from my face, you hated the way I always hid from your gaze. That look in your eye was at the same time intense and easy.

Kiss.

It happened. My power was no longer strong enough to stand you curse. Just once, was the thought that went through my head. But when I’m with you everything changes and I’m back in love with you. How could someone like you be so powerful?

No Longer

I choose him instead of us, I walked away with tears in my eyes; falling from my face. I looked in my rear view mirror and caught a glimpse of you kicking the dirt and dropping to your feet. Turning off the radio because our song was playing, now all I heard was the gravel flying from under my tires escaping our secret place. I thought to myself how did I let it get this far, I thought that this could happen. I was ready to take a chance and jump on this train with you.
I ended up letting him scare me away from you, I let him control my decision. So im in this relationship, kisses and hugs, but no trust. I’ll no longer feel your lips on my shoulder or the back of my hand. No longer smell your natural scent of you while you sleep. No longer feel you laying on my back as you watch tv with me. I’ll no longer see your light brown rays in your eyes as you stare at me. Instead I’ll be sleeping by his side and dream of what we used to be.

We Should've Known

i should've known
already belonging to someone
a family already made
future plans already set

home and work should've been separate
lunch should have stayed as lunch
texting should have never happened

i see it all now that your gone
i should've known

you treated me right
some called it a game
but i was trapped

i should've known
but also,
you should've known

Now

I looked in your eyes
I felt your touch
I listened to your voice
All things in use to love

I looked in your eyes
I no longer see me in them

I felt your touch
but I no longer feel at home in your arms

I listened to your voice
it was no longer music to my ears

all things i use to love
are all now just memories
I have them with me everyday
but i no longer miss them

some days I want to see your face
then I forget why I wanted to

I'm strong enough to let you go

All I know is we were a beautiful mistake

Tomorrow

I looked in your eyes
I got hooked on your voice
Everything the way I remember
I thought of the day in Durango
Your hand held mine
I'm trying to stop myself
Don't want to think about you
I'm thinking bad thoughts of you right now
telling myself it was just a game
I was just some girl to you
then i hear your voice and look at your face
I remember you holding me
telling me not to go
but inside I'm telling myself to let go and move on

You Again

I saw your face today
cant say I didn't miss it
missed it so much I had to look away
I hid in the back so I didn't have the urge to look into your eyes
so I wouldn't fall back in love with you
letting you go to get my family back
I have my family
though your still in my heart
in my head
in my mind
I saw your face today
All I can say is I miss you

Phone Call

Today I heard from you
4 minutes felt like 4 seconds
those 4 minutes already captured me
they had me remembering you
we were an us
you became apart of me
a part that could not be erased or forgotten
4 minutes felt like 4 seconds
quick enough to feel your ghost holding me
chills down my spine from the sound of your voice
hoping to not hear you say "i miss you"
if I did I'd probably shatter
4 minutes felt like 4 seconds
quick but slow enough to miss you