Yours

 I use to feel like yours

tangled in you

kisses here, kisses there

fingers touching every piece of you

I use to feel like yours

songs in my ear

heartbeats in sync

humming my name

I use to feel like yours

sleeping separately

no longer talking

running out of every room you enter

I use to feel like yours

listening to you breath in your sleep

I lay awake screaming, hoping you can hear me

my heart is hurting.

I use to feel like yours

I don't feel like yours

do you want me to be yours?

Monday

 I seen her yesterday,

she looks almost the same as she did when we last talked

I can't remember how many years it been.

more than 2? 5?

who knows.

She walked toward me and met my gaze.

I wish I knew what she was thinking.

Every time I spot her in a crowd,

I can't help but stare at her.

Amazed at the woman she has become,

even if I know very little about her.

I like to imagine her life full and happy.

I half smiled and cowboy nodded in her direction.

She had looked unsure at first and looked down.

I didn't waver my look.

She then looked back and returned with a small smile,

slightly curved but meaningful.

We kept walking, further and farther apart.

It was over.

But today, I think of her.

That's What She Said

 it was only 10pm

we all piled in my car just to take a drive.

everyone was spilling and dishing out secrets.

only because of the drinks they had during the game.

she then said "ugh, you can have him."

this wasn't the first time she had told me this.

she told me this once before she got pregnant.

our babies were 12+ months old,

i was married.

"you can have him,"

i knew how he felt about me,

hes felt that way since i was perhaps 6.

she was buzzed and looking for a way out,

out of my car,

out of her relationship.

many months pass and yet she still says,

"you can have him"

she was no longer with him,

but still giving me her blessing to take him.

he would look at me,

and i knew he loved me.

i loved him,

but i didnt want him.

not in that way.

the type of way,

only when i needed someone to call me out on my bull*.

when i needed a friend to hang out with.

when i wanted to feel loved back.

but his love was too strong.

its 9 years later and she says

"you can have him."

shes not buzzed, she sober.

shes not his, hes not hers.

she knows, him looking at me was "love"

love never given to her.

but still those words echo through the town,

"you can have him"

Loving Her is Difficult

 Loving her is difficult.

She married my brother,

has babies and bought a home.

I don't know if I can do that?

Can I make her happy?

She smiles as she walks around the farmers market,

I wonder what shes thinking about.

Is she thinking of my brother?, cooking that meal he loves so much.

When I watch them play,

she cuddles right up to him,

like their love will never end.

She married my brother.

I never see her cry,

she holds everything together as if her life is perfect.

Maybe it is?

Could I have made it perfect?

Loving her is difficult.

She smiles at me but then looks at him.

I cant hold her gaze long enough for her to wonder about us.

She married my brother.

Loving her is difficult.

Her letter

She put her letter on his belongings.
It was hidden from plain sight, only for him to find and read.
Others laughed and talked in the other rooms.
She sat there debating whether or not she did the right thing.
Her fingers fidgeting, palms getting sweaty.
Maybe he'll find it tonight.
She laid there staring at the ceiling of her bedroom, imagining him reading it.
A week passed and he acted as if nothing was found, nothing was read.
She wondered if he read it, if he found it.
Who found it.
A month goes by and she's giving up hope.
Love is walking around, and she's having a hard time grabbing it by the hand.
He smiles and leaves.
Normal is how he acts.
She is beginning to believe he don't accept her feelings.
She said he doesn't.
She continues to cry herself to sleep.
Wondering if it was the right thing to do.
Poured her heart into a letter, and he gives no sign of notice or acceptance.
All she did was give up.
Her heart broken as love continues to walk out the door.

I Stay

As I screamed to the world and friends how much I loved him.
I got nothing in return.
I Stay.
A cold rush of wind blew threw my hair.
Chills blanketed my arms.
But as I said "I Love You"
I heard nothing but the echo of my own words bounce back at me.
He did nothing but smile.
As if he had won a game and I was the one who lost.
He never told anyone about our love.
Laughed with others but never mentioned me,
especially being that I was standing next to him.
He breaks my heart,
but never cares; he probably likes watching it fall to pieces.
I stay.
That's practically all I can say right now, "I Stay"

I want to be loved privately and publicly.
He can kiss me,
Touch me,
but never loves me.
I'm hopeless.
"Don't say I never tried."
I Stay.

Timelapse

She thought about herself,
more and more everyday.
It wasn't until the fifth month; her scales began to harden.
Dragon like, no longer the swan she used to be.

No grace and no charm..

He made her that way.

You Let Me Go

I have held my head up high for half the year.
I smiled and brushed it off as if it was dirt on my hands.
Changed the subject as if it was boring me.
Left the room to brush my hair only to avoid conversation.

They told me a story and it was relating to you.
They asked why did it end?
My brother looks at me as if to see if I'm okay with answering these nonsensical questions.
He knows these stories and questions tug on my heart strings.

Then they say "oh yeah, he can't talk to you"

As I said, my head has been held high for half the year,
but they're waiting for it to fall.
They're waiting for the blob of tears to crash out.

"No, I just let him go"

That's all I came up with.
I didn't fight to be with him.
He didn't fight to be with me.

We had a story and it ended,
Truth is he let me go because he lost a fight.

6:15pm

She kissed his pillow,
it's been five days since he had last laid there;
and still his scent is fresh.

She can hear knocking on her door,
the neighbors are talking on the other side of the walls;
and yet she still lays there wrapped in her blankets.

Her phone used to ring constantly till it vibrated its way of the bed.
Two weeks has went by and her family began to get more worried.
The apartment manager knocks and opens the door.

He walked into the smell of rotten food,
mail, pictures, and clothes sprawled on the floor.
He got to the living room,
her bedroom door was wide open.

She had tears staining her cheeks,
fingers and toes cold,
the window was open and birds lounged on the window sill.

He approached her quietly,
she look as is she hadn't moved from her bed.
As he looked at her all he could see was beauty.

He fell in love with this girl who was wearing a mens jacket.
He looked around and noticed it was nothing but mens clothes on the floor,
photos of a man everywhere.
On her dresser was a note.

He husband recently passed away.
As she laided there, he waited.
Waiting for her to wake up, and join the world that stole her husband away.

And maybe, just maybe;
he can help her.

Bye

You looked me in the eye and for that quick second, I knew it was over. I watched your lips form the phrase “Love of My Life”.

I smiled the best I could, but deep down inside my heart was cracking. You were finally happy, after all these years of searching for love.

As for me, I was and always will be in love with the idea of you. You were tall, fine lines, and humor that captured my heart.

I still watched you talk about how independent, free spirited but slightly controlling she is. How you guys first met.

But as my heart started to crumble at the pit of my stomach, I nicely broke you off in mid-sentence. Honestly I no longer could listen about her anymore. She had something that once belonged to me, which I knew I would never get back.

I left with a “bye”. A hug was no longer normal. I feared I would never let you go, I even told myself you would not see me cry.

It was done with a “bye”.

Smile

He woke up and noticed that the girl he dreamed of was not the girl he woke up to every morning. They had taken the next step committing to each other by moving in together. Her pink blankets draped on the bed, and her towels neatly hung in the bathroom.

He sits up and watches an old 80’s flick in his white casual t-shirt he had fallen asleep in. Sweat pants with cartoon characters collaged all over them, hugging him in every right way. When she walks in on him, she sees nothing but a lazy guy in bed.

“Get dressed, please,” she wasn’t up for a day in bed. “We’re supposed to meet Justin and Sarah for lunch. Why is it you never want to be with me and my friends? For once can you just get dressed for me?”

He looked at her and smiled. His smile was accepted as a yes. She walked out of the room and left him to get ready. Shower. Check. In their closet he picked out his clothes, as he was walking out a box fell out of place; a box containing memories of his past life.

The girl in his dreams also happened to be the same girl in this box he carried. He knew if she found this box it would hurt her, because she knows of a girl; but does not know this is her. When the box opened he grabbed a picture. In the photo you can see her smiling, her hair blowing in the wind in the passenger seat of his car. The same day this girl also told him she loved him.

“Are you ready yet?” he covered the box with the blankets and put on a clean shirt. She stood by the door with her arms crossed, giving up she stormed in the other room. He puts on his jeans, runs his fingers through his hair and calls it good.

He can hear her looking for the car keys, walking around in her heels and getting impatient. He puts the photo back into the box, and returns it to the closet.

“Now can you please act like you’re having fun for today?”

He looked at her and smiled.

Keeping it Together

He didn’t say “stay away.”

He didn’t say “we can’t be friends.”

He didn’t say “It’s over.”

But then again they were all things she had heard before.
Not from him but from someone who meant a lot to her as well.
She didn’t cry this time,
Instead she just walked away from this.
She pulled herself out before she could get hurt again,
Tear stained pillow cases,
And tissues overflowing the trash can,
Was not something she wanted to see again.
He let her talk but after that he stood there quiet.
She was not going to wait for tears to form,
So she left with her heart barely intact.

He became another friend lost.

Tell Me Why

I all of a sudden felt his gaze hugging me,
but it was as if we have never parted.
My heart took it okay but my mind was having trouble to accept what was happening between us.
My mind convinced me to never let a new chapter of us begin,
build a steeper hill and have a higher wall to climb.

Instead I'm slowly letting him trickle in,
the cracks in my shattered heart are beginning to mend.

He put me in a place where it is up to me to work this out,
but as my heart and mind fight; I cant win.

One Night

He took her to the bedroom,
laid her down where she use to lay.
He still had her in the back of his mind
as he kissed her neck and touch her hips.
It was then when he got on top of her,
he saw her staring back at him.
Smiling her playful smile;
he then blinked and she was no longer there.
He sat up and sat on the end of the bed.
She was puzzled,
and she wondered why he had this dark cloud over him.
She doesn't know anything about his past;
she came for a one night stand.
Yet his feelings are getting in the way.
She gently caressed his face and pulled him to her.
She looked in his eyes,
didn't see her,
but saw the love of his life.
She kisses his lips and numbs his pain.
Her poison spreads throughout his body.
He closed his eyes and relaxed.
After it was over, he stared at the ceiling.
She put on her clothes and left the room.
He turned over and let it sink in on what just happened.
He put his hand under his pillow,
Ready to go to sleep.
Pulled her picture out,
Traced her image and said;
Good Night

what he doesn't know

He doesn't know that from time to time; I cry.
He doesn't know that days after the argument; I cried for days.
I blamed everyone around me.
Blaming myself for not caring for him enough.
I broke my phone screen and now when I look at it I remember the pain;
The heart ache that caused my eyes to swell.
I remember the last day we spent together, but deep down it wasn't enough for him.
He doesn't know that when I hear his song, again my tears began to flow.
He doesn't know that when I hear about him,
I hope that everything good is going his way.

I'm not going to be there to greet him like others do;

talk to him like others do, 

but most of all hug him like others do.

So I'll shut my mouth,

and keep my emotions bottled up.

What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Chess

She lost at her game of chess,
the game they played everyday at the park.
He taught her the game,
never let her win,
so she played hard.

This time when she looked at the winner,
he had her best friend in his arms.
Long blonde hair
and legs that went on for days.

Comparing her self.
She was short,
as was her hair.

Her now "ex" best friend was kissing his cheek,
he was holding her close; smiling.
She lost at her game of chess,
now all she could do was walk away.

He broke her heart,
she hated him for that,
but she hated her self for still wanting him.
She loved him.

J.

They tell her to be quiet.

Before she can speak,
they know what she wants to rant on about.
They know that when she sits there quietly,
she thinks of her.

She begins to say "I.."
"We Know!" they say.
How can she not mention her?
Why don't they understand?

When she goes to sleep,
she dreams.
Dreams about the days when they were inseperable.

When she says her name,
the words "I miss you" follow right behind.

Thinking about the last time she saw her,
there was flowers blooming,
the scent of the grass,
and the sound of deer snacking in the park.
But now there is snow on the ground.

If only she could see her face,
maybe it would be enough to last the winter she has ahead of her.

They tell her to be quiet.
All she wants to say is;
"I miss her..."

Singing Her Heart Out

She brushed her tears from her face,
fixed her hair,
and then put her lipstick on.

Went back out on stage,
began to sing.
Acting as if she was never crying,
hidding the fact that he was leaving her.

It wasn't till her last act that she let go,
she sang and tears began to well in her eyes.

When the crowd began to sing,
she then could feel her own pain vibrating off of them.

She stayed till the lights on the stage went out,
carried her shoes,
and grabbed the last of her bags.

The rain trickled down the car windows,
and the train pass by in the background.
Soon her taxi pulled up,
splashing her dress.

It was when she got in the taxi
she promised herself to take it one day at a time.
She got out,
dusted off her grief,
and went inside.

Closed her eyes;
prayed for a good nights rest.

Emry's Heartache

When Emry lost Sonny,
he stopped growing.
Sonny disappeared into the belly of the Horned Shark.
He warned her about swimming with the mermaids,
told her to stay close to the shore;
but she wondered off with Irene.

Irene was in love with Dimytree.
Two months ago Dimytree was attacked,
all Irene found was his necklace and a cracked horn.
She knew it meant only one thing;
The Horned Shark.

Emry started losing his leaves,
no leaves starting fresh,
his branches breaking as the wind raced passed him.
He stood by the ocean; day by day,
hoping for Sonny to come swimming out of the tides.

The day that Irene came back alone,
he knew something happened.
Irene had that same look when she lost Dimytree.

Emry now felt how Irene did.
He no longer could cradle or carry Sonny to home,
or brush the leaves and twigs from her face.

He was beginning to tell her how he felt,
contemplating how he should tell her.
Would she love a tree?
It would never work.

Heartache overcame Emry and the forrest he once roamed with Sonny.
Soon he was not able to travel far,
he set his mind to wait where he first met her,
in hopes she will come home.

What You've Done

He pushed me away,
thought it was funny to see me cry,
sat there laughing,
blocking me from exiting out of his life.

I laid in his bed,
drugged off of his spell.
I hear her in the other room.

You go on like I dont hear you,
I walk around the room,
days go by; quicker never slow.

The darkness lurks close by,
I smell her on my pillow;
her lipstick kisses on the mirror.

You pushed me away,
still you wont let me leave.
My friends won't even come over,
haven't seen my family either,
they believe I'm in Alaska.
My job was very demanding.

The bruise on my face hasn't healed,
she still returns;
not knowing the things you do.

As the days go by
I start to forget myself;
My name, My Family, and even your name.

As everyone forgets me,
I become more attached to you,
remembering the arguments; the fights.

I'm fighting to get out,
but still in the end;
no one will know, that I'm lifeless in your attic.
No longer able to return.