Yours

 I use to feel like yours

tangled in you

kisses here, kisses there

fingers touching every piece of you

I use to feel like yours

songs in my ear

heartbeats in sync

humming my name

I use to feel like yours

sleeping separately

no longer talking

running out of every room you enter

I use to feel like yours

listening to you breath in your sleep

I lay awake screaming, hoping you can hear me

my heart is hurting.

I use to feel like yours

I don't feel like yours

do you want me to be yours?

That's What She Said

 it was only 10pm

we all piled in my car just to take a drive.

everyone was spilling and dishing out secrets.

only because of the drinks they had during the game.

she then said "ugh, you can have him."

this wasn't the first time she had told me this.

she told me this once before she got pregnant.

our babies were 12+ months old,

i was married.

"you can have him,"

i knew how he felt about me,

hes felt that way since i was perhaps 6.

she was buzzed and looking for a way out,

out of my car,

out of her relationship.

many months pass and yet she still says,

"you can have him"

she was no longer with him,

but still giving me her blessing to take him.

he would look at me,

and i knew he loved me.

i loved him,

but i didnt want him.

not in that way.

the type of way,

only when i needed someone to call me out on my bull*.

when i needed a friend to hang out with.

when i wanted to feel loved back.

but his love was too strong.

its 9 years later and she says

"you can have him."

shes not buzzed, she sober.

shes not his, hes not hers.

she knows, him looking at me was "love"

love never given to her.

but still those words echo through the town,

"you can have him"

Story Teller

She told her about the ups and downs in her life. Told her about the one who broke her heart but said sorry. She then told her about the one that she lost; all from jealousy. So far there were no ups in her life. With her voice shaking she then began telling her of the one who steals her confidence, youth, and beauty.

He lives in the place she calls home. He stares at her from behind as if she cannot see or feel his eyes lingering on her skin. He pretends to joke, when really he touches for his own pleasure. While he is hovering over her body, she pushes and fights for her life. No one notices, she don’t say a thing because who would believe her. She told her guardian, her protector, but instead they brushed it of as a joke. So while she locks herself in the bathroom, she looks in the mirror and wonders what is triggering his behavior. Why does his wife not notice? Is she not pleasing him enough?

She covers herself in two t-shirts, a sweatshirt, and baggy sweats. Stays hidden in her bed, never going upstairs to the light, because that is where he lingers. He lives in the place she calls home. She want’s so much to escape but instead traps herself in the place he also calls home.

As she finished telling her story; she who was listening, hugs her.  

Tell Me Why

I all of a sudden felt his gaze hugging me,
but it was as if we have never parted.
My heart took it okay but my mind was having trouble to accept what was happening between us.
My mind convinced me to never let a new chapter of us begin,
build a steeper hill and have a higher wall to climb.

Instead I'm slowly letting him trickle in,
the cracks in my shattered heart are beginning to mend.

He put me in a place where it is up to me to work this out,
but as my heart and mind fight; I cant win.

December 16th, 2013

He walked with the crowd,
blended in,
but his voice stood out.
Soon all I could see was him smiling.
My heart jumped,
almost out of my chest and onto the counter.
Soon I couldnt stop my mouth from moving,
words fell out,
some words did not make any sense.
Then I stood there quietly,
just listening to him talk about anything.
Anything at this moment would be fine.
Food, family, and moon cheese.
He caused it all.
3 years of not seeing each other,
and finally I was with him.
Again he was wearing a black tshirt,
just like the last time I was in his arms.
We were no longer an ocean apart,
no longer a time difference,
the universe was no longer against us.
God I've missed him.
I still have goosebumps and chills running down my back.
Now I'm hoping this feeling never goes away....

what he doesn't know

He doesn't know that from time to time; I cry.
He doesn't know that days after the argument; I cried for days.
I blamed everyone around me.
Blaming myself for not caring for him enough.
I broke my phone screen and now when I look at it I remember the pain;
The heart ache that caused my eyes to swell.
I remember the last day we spent together, but deep down it wasn't enough for him.
He doesn't know that when I hear his song, again my tears began to flow.
He doesn't know that when I hear about him,
I hope that everything good is going his way.

I'm not going to be there to greet him like others do;

talk to him like others do, 

but most of all hug him like others do.

So I'll shut my mouth,

and keep my emotions bottled up.

What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

J.

They tell her to be quiet.

Before she can speak,
they know what she wants to rant on about.
They know that when she sits there quietly,
she thinks of her.

She begins to say "I.."
"We Know!" they say.
How can she not mention her?
Why don't they understand?

When she goes to sleep,
she dreams.
Dreams about the days when they were inseperable.

When she says her name,
the words "I miss you" follow right behind.

Thinking about the last time she saw her,
there was flowers blooming,
the scent of the grass,
and the sound of deer snacking in the park.
But now there is snow on the ground.

If only she could see her face,
maybe it would be enough to last the winter she has ahead of her.

They tell her to be quiet.
All she wants to say is;
"I miss her..."

Colors

We collided together,
our colors began to mix.
The world was our canvas,
splattering the world with every step we took.

Our colors never ran,
they were never grey.
Our love was red,
energy was green.

Everywhere we went,
we turned black to yellow.
Blending in with you,
you blending in with me.

It wasn't till you started fading,
I began losing myself.

I sat by your side,
watched as grey began to take over.
Soon you were no longer apart of this world,
the world around me started blackening.

No more sound,
no more sight.
I lost you,
then I lost myself

What You've Done

He pushed me away,
thought it was funny to see me cry,
sat there laughing,
blocking me from exiting out of his life.

I laid in his bed,
drugged off of his spell.
I hear her in the other room.

You go on like I dont hear you,
I walk around the room,
days go by; quicker never slow.

The darkness lurks close by,
I smell her on my pillow;
her lipstick kisses on the mirror.

You pushed me away,
still you wont let me leave.
My friends won't even come over,
haven't seen my family either,
they believe I'm in Alaska.
My job was very demanding.

The bruise on my face hasn't healed,
she still returns;
not knowing the things you do.

As the days go by
I start to forget myself;
My name, My Family, and even your name.

As everyone forgets me,
I become more attached to you,
remembering the arguments; the fights.

I'm fighting to get out,
but still in the end;
no one will know, that I'm lifeless in your attic.
No longer able to return.

Friday

Unexpectedly you come in,
one look towards me and then a look to the floor.
Clearing my throat,
but still feeling annoyed.

It wasn't that long ago,
five months to be exact.
Bets going on to see how long you'd last.

"Sorry for being a Douche."

I'm thinking to myself,
let this end,
pray I don't lose myself.

"Ok"

You apologize but that's all I can say,
I let you walk out the door,
maybe feeling confused,
maybe even frustrated.

It wasn't that long ago that you cut me off,
It wasn't that long ago that you broke my heart.
but long enough for me to come to terms that you no longer want me in your life.

I can't jump for joy because you apologized,
but I will jump for joy because finally,
after all this time;
you realized you were a ass for what you did.

Letting you in my life would be a mistake,
and letting you slip away is also a curse.

Drunk on Me, Sober on You

It was a normal night,
you were miles away,
but over the phone I could feel you whispering in my ear.

We try to keep our conversations "every-day" topic,
but there's always one night where we can't hold back.
You belong to her and I belong to him.

Your voice changed,
stuttering on your words,
then your voice sang a tune.

"I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away"
(Adele)

This is a good song,
you keeping whispering,
singing;
I love your voice.

You were no longer yourself,
drinking a remedy to numb your heart.
You spoke the truth.

Deep down I knew what you wanted to say,
I wanted to hear you say it,
"i love you"

"This song makes me think of you," he said.
He misses me,
but he wont say it;
just like I won't say it.

I smiled at the sound of his voice,
I didn't care if his words were drunk.
It was until the end of the song when things changed.

He cleared his throat,
and told me goodnight.
"I want you to take the sober me."

It then hit me,
this is what it'll always be,
our feelings there,
but never moving.

I tell him goodnight,
trying my best not to let the tears slide.

Remembering You

"Scoot over!"
You climbed in my bed,
stared up at my ceiling,
"Wake Up!"

You played with my hair,
I yelled at you but still you laid next to me.
......

Certain days I wish this could be us again,
instead you wanted out,
wanted more;
but I declined.

I see you every now and then
wish I could run up to you and hug you.
Something about you has changed,
you lost yourself in your own mess of chaos.

I run past your house and remember spending nights,
dinners, and playing games at your house.
Sitting on your couch
laying my legs on yours.

We smiled and laughed at everyone,
everyone questioned our relationship,
I was your friend and you were mine.
Until you changed your mind.

I think of our last conversation
and start to cry.
I wonder everyday why you gave me up,
I wouldn't have done that to you.

I miss you everyday,
but someday I'll get over this.
Someday.

She was that little girl again.

The door bell rang,
constant knocks on the door.
"You afraid someones gonna rape you?!"
She unlocked the door and let in his family.

It was her habit of locking doors,
she would lock her bathroom door;
only for putting make up on.
She locked her bedroom door;
only to watch TV.
She locked her self in the closet;
only to look for shoes.

She smiled and went back to her room and locked her door.
The kids ran around the house,
listened to his aunt laugh at the baby,
jumped when she heard loud footsteps.
She even freaked out if it was dead silent.

Grabbing her purple blanket,
she sits on the couch.
Memories flash through her head,
remembering the sound of the door knob jiggle,
feeling eyes watch her while she slept.

She starts slipping into her dreams,
and soon enough she relives her past.
Panting and sore feet,
she pushed her bed in front of the door,
taped paper on her windows,
not letting anyone look in her room.

She watches the door knob jiggle,
soon it pops,
he forces him self through the door and smiles at her.

She then feels his hands on her neck,
and the weight of him on top of her,
shes feeling for an object and soon she hits him.

She's climbing off her bed and into the hallway from which he came,
he then grabs her foot,
fights her to bring her close.

She cries and fights but soon,
she was that little girl again.

She wakes up to the sound of the cooking alarm,
crying on the couch,
his family don't know what she went through.

They continue to tease her,
"You afraid someones gonna rape you?!"
In her mind she always replies:
"It wouldnt be the first time."

Fine

It's my birthday today,
I woke up to my alarm going off,
waking my son from his dream,
calling me from his bed saying "Mom help!"
I covered him with his blankets and soon he was back asleep.

I slowly walked through the room to the bathroom.
Looked in the mirror and said happy birthday,
it was freezing cold, I had goosebumps everywhere.
It was my mission to untangle the blow dryer,
the cord that was in millions of knots.

Feeling the warm air that hit my skin,
making my hair fly like Marilyn Monroe.
"Go Girl, It's Your Birthday!" was playing in the background,
Singing Trey Songs and putting my make-up on.
Today I'm going to feel beautiful.

Work in a few minutes,
trying to find my cute outfit.
My room mate, aka my "husband" wakes up,
grabs his sneakers keys and takes me to work.
No words really said; Not even a Happy Birthday.

My day barely started, he's not ruining it.
Luckily for me he wont be home til eight.
So as I get into work I'll wait till the clock turns 10,
and my party will begin :)
Happy Birthday to Me!

Run Away

My smile landed on your lips,

my arms around your neck,

and your hands on my waist.

 

 

I watched you dance her around the room,

you looked into her eyes,
just the way you use to look into mine.

You brushed her hair from her face,
kissed her forehead,
and spun her in a circle.

Everyone was smiling,
happily dancing around you and her,
and all I could do was stare.

I could have told you I loved you,
Instead I ran from love;
Your love.

Coming here to this party,
I did not expect to see you here;
Or even with her.

You then caught me looking at you,
Soon all I saw was me in your eyes.
I headed towards the door to avoid contact.

You then started losing the sync that connected you and her.
I looked back in the window as you awkwardly kissed her,
I couldn't help but wish that you would chase me.

All my dreams and hopes disappeared when I left you,
so as I walked away again,
the memories flooded my head.

I got in my car and a tear rolled down my cheek,
driving down the road, I looked one last time in my rear view mirror.
I continued driving without turning around and left you standing there watching me runaway again.

Wednesday

On that Wednesday
I lost my best friend.
Not in a store, not his phone number,
not even by death; but by him exiting out of my life.

Close since kindergarten but ending after 16 years.
I love him, but he no longer cares.

His problem:
wanting me to be his,
wanting to have more than our friendship,
and as I look at him; I see a Brother.

He let me go,
not a "good bye"
but more of a "forget you!"

I believed he would still be in my life,
old and still forever friends.
I was married,
and he hated that.

Everyone believed we would have kids and be a family.

My feelings towards him are not in that way,
I wouldn't kiss him, he's one of my brothers.

Should I just be divorced?
Make him happy?,
still in the end I wouldn't be with him.

As I sit on my bed,
I cry and remember everything we have been through.
Why would he throw it all away?

We might not have been lovers,
but still my heart breaks,
breaks just as much as it did when my daddy went to heaven.

He let me go,
so now I'll let him go;
I'll fade from his memory.
As for me he'll always be my best friend.

Know This

She ran around from the swings to the slide,
and back into my arms.
She smiled and pointed at the plane in the sky.

I smiled as she ran around in the grass with her arms spread open,
pretending to be a plane too.
When she laughs; she reminds me of you.
She don't know you're gone,
she don't know you're coming back.

I left you not knowing,
never wanting you to lose your focus.
Crying at night,
because soon I let you go completely; blaming it on the distance and time apart.

I left you wondering why,
you believed it was perfect; it was.
Still I made my decision to let you go and focus on your dreams.
You were fighting to be with me, but I changed my number and moved.

She plays with my hair, and tells me she loves me.
4 years old and still she takes my breath away.
You wanted adventure, and now I look at the pictures of you,
your happy.

If you were here right now,
I'd smile and wish you good things;
and if you were to ask about her, I'd lie and say she's mine.

........................................................................................................................


I'm laying in bed,
wondering why you let me go.
You were all I ever wanted,
My life.

I look up at the stars,
hoping your looking at them too.
Just like that night in November,
taking a drive to the lake.

You would smile at every little everything I said,
Laugh at every joke I told.
Looking back on it all, I'm wondering where I went wrong.

I know you hate the distance,
But I keep assuring you I'll be home.
I've been back in this country for about a year now,
Nothing but the same routine, Guard, Train, Eat, Sleep, and look at photos you sent me.

When I'm in town,
I visit your favorite places; in hope to see you.
Your best friend tells me your doing good,
but she don't tell me where you reside.
Your brother don't talk about you much,
Why did you leave?

I hear nothing but gun shots in the back ground,
my buddies laughing and joking around me.
They tell me to move on,
while one of my best friends tell me to not give up.

I try to fall asleep but I still end up laying here instead.
Do I miss you only?
I get up and check my email hoping to get one from you,
instead its my sister; "She's coming to town in two weeks."

My sister never liked you,
but she hates seeing me this way.
Coincidence you're back when I come back into town.
This time, after four and a half years; I'll hold on tight;
say all that I need to say, I still love you.

Think of Me

It's almost midnight.
I lay in the bed of my truck
listening to the music.
I count the stars,
while the moon hugs me with it's moon light.

The song plays;
a lovely melody.
I hum along and look up at the moon.
Talking to the moon is my getaway.

Whispering to him,
"Where ever you may be,
I hope you look up to the moon,
the stars, the sun; and think of me."

"When you hear my song,
I hope you dance."

"When you dream, I hope its of me,
in your arms is where I'm meant to be."

I look up and see shooting stars,
crashing into the other skies.
As the moon starts to fade
the sun rises.

Good bye to the moon,
I hope you think of me, like I think of you.

One Day Too Late

The crowd is shouting,
singing along with you.
Songs I could never really follow along to.

Hands waving in the air,
body's moving in rhythm to the song.
Again I never had the same rhythm.

I watch from back stage,
watching how you and your fans connect.
We haven't had that connection in months,
ever since I told you I no longer wanted this life.

A life where we are no longer just Us,
but now a life where it is us and your fans.
7:30pm

I have already called a cab,
saved enough money to go home.
I had my things packed lastnight
but you were to tired to even notice.

As the crowd shouts for more,
I silently walk out,
I don't look back because I'm afraid I wont leave.

The driver is loading my three bags I have in the trunk.
Again I try to not look back, but I do.
Still everyone is shouting your name,
and here you are standing in the doorway.

I look in your eyes and you look in mine,
still we both no this is goodbye.
I get in the cab,
you walk back to the stage.

This is goodbye.

Suit & Tie Guy

I woke to the sound of your voice,
the scent of your cologne,
the rhythm in your step as you got ready for work.

I watched you from the bed,
no longer asleep.

Putting on your suit and tie,
you finally catch me watching you.
I loved the way you walked over and leaned in for a kiss.
You slid my hair behind my ear,
and leaned in for another kiss.

You continued getting your stuff together,
opening your case to make sure everything was in there.
Including your favorite photo of me.

Mornings like these are my favorite,
its been 4 years since you got down on your knee
and asked me to be yours forever.
Nothing has changed, the love still grows.

I follow you down the stairs to see you off,
and everyday you pinky promise you'll be back in my arms.

I Love You