My Soldier

Daddy, can you hear me? I'm trying to reach you all the way down here on earth. It's been years since I've seen you, but I can sense you around by the little things you do. When I walk by you I smell your soap, I can hear you when "Butterfly Kisses" plays in the background or even a familiar country song. Daddy I'm looking at pictures of you holding me and pictures of you making funny faces. Daddy why do you visit brother but you don't come see me? There are times I need you. I believe it's because brother can't remember you, but at least you told him to let me know you love me. Did you get to see me graduate? I bet you had the best seat in the house. I was hoping you'd come see me that night but you never did, so slept and said "I miss you." Daddy have you seen your grandson? You must have because mom says you say he's getting big. Is grandma there with you? Is she happy grandpa came to be with her again? Tell her I noticed her around when I was cleaning and that she made me miss her chili stew. Tell grandpa I tried to visit one last time, and I miss him so much. Hey dad, can I get a new shirt of yours mine is all worn down and holey. Dad I better go Little Forrest is going to wake up in a few. I love you, later daddy.

its not what it seems... at times

my heart was broken a couple weeks ago,
as it was a year from then.
not many know the real you,
as right now i'm starting to know the real you.

a year ago my heart was broken by the comment you made to a girl.
i barely told you i was pregnant,
you acted out in a way i didn't want to believe.
"I love that nice ass" burns in my mind.

my baby was the only one there to comfort me,
but i needed my best friend.

as that passed you became the man i knew,
the attentive father and loving boyfriend.
my heart was full again.

my son says "dada" but once again my heart is broken
a year ago you told me you loved me and that this wouldn't happen.
only worse.

"dear friend,
she's a bitch, i'm not with her,
she only lets me see my son three times a week,
dear friend we are not together."

i put my son to sleep
tell him i love him and leave you be.

but at least your smart enough to know what just happened.
my best friend comes, i love her for that.
"should i leave" is all i say.

I could be the person you wrote me out to be
but i can't.
my son needs a father.

I love you but i dont know anymore.

I'm Letting You Go

Today is going to be the last day I take any crap from you,
I let you in over and over,
guilty is the pain I feel for helping you cheat on my mom,
I was little but I still carry it around with me.

You told me you loved me,
You told me you cared,
but I guess girl #4 was right,
Me and my brother were nothing but kids that lived with you.

Ever since girl#4 my other little brother hasn't been the same.
Now girl #5 i'm sure he will be very different.

To my mom, you never wanted to talk,
you said things like, "my mom died, i don't need a mom"
Money? you generously gave it all up to the casino,
also bought gas to take girl #5 to the movies to stuff her face with popcorn,

With my mom you never wanted to go out to the movies,
go out and eat,
instead you had her clean up your filthy mess,
fold your damn wash, and pay for the bills

you told me you loved me, but i stopped believing that after you failed the second chance.

now all im wondering is when will you want my mom again?
after girl#5 stops cleaning, cooking, and paying for your bills?

Im not the only one letting you go,
so is my Mom.

My Uncle Daddy T

This point in my life I have been having my ups and downs, been confused on who is actually here for me and those that aren’t. My uncle T seems to have it together right now, especially now that I feel everyone is unstable and unreliable; everyone meaning my other uncle’s and grandpa. From being a little girl who would belly flop on him to the girl who is now taking care of her own son; I could proudly say he has not bailed on me or disappointed me. When I was nine I lost my dad, after growing up with him around all the time, it seemed as if he filled an empty spot in my heart, not replacing my dad but having the spot next to him. So when I found out I was pregnant I was scared and worried on how my uncle T was going to take it since he was second dad. Of course he was happy for me and told me I’m still his ‘little Tay,’ that nickname always reassures me that he loves me and he is not going to abandon me. I love him with all my heart, my son Forrest will have the best godfather, well as soon as he’s baptized, he will know the love and joy I feel every time I’m around him and his family.