My Heart

I never planned to be pregnant at 18 and be a mom at 19; my plan was to wait till I was at least 23; not much to do about it now. I’m not going to back out; I don’t think I’d change it for anything. Feeling the kicks and hiccups inside me bring constant joy, happy to know someone special is growing big and strong inside me. The one who knows my heartbeat more than anyone would ever know, especially hearing my own baby’s heartbeat makes our connection even stronger. I have a couple weeks till my due date, I’ll be able to sleep on my tummy and many other things but till then I can wait. Soon I’ll be able to see my baby’s face looking up at me; then he’ll soon be at the age when he will be saying “I love you, Mom!”

Him Vs. He

i lay by him as the days come to an end,
sometimes lay there drifting into a nice slumber,
other; i lay there listening to the sound of his voice,
now; i lay here writing and thinking about a "what if"

at one point in my life my heart seemed to be in love with him,
then i met the one i fell in love with and he soon changed my life,
he and him are two i will always seem to keep in my heart.

laying here thinking; "have i found the one?"
"does my heart truly love "he"?"

him was my first love,
if i was with him would i be laying here in his arms?
would i have this same wide smile on my face?
can i be able to cry in his arms, like i do in "he"?
him was my first love.

he lays here sleeping soundly as i write this,
the quiet snore out beats the fans humming.
if i truly love "he" i wouldnt be questioning it, right?
he loves me and i love he,
without "he" i dont think i'd be happy like i am at this moment,
our heartbeats sync with one anothers and i fit just right in his arms.

him and me? i guess we will never be because i love He

Little Big Brother

I know you and I won’t ever remember when you were a big baby, or when I would feed you for mom, but do you remember us crawling in grandpa and grandma's bed? Remember us having red sore bottoms from getting spanked all the time. I recently just found out it can lower a child's IQ, no wonder we are like we are now. Do you remember mom telling us she would pay us if we danced like those guys off of “Save the Last Dance?” We were too embarrassed to do something stupid like that, and now we do stupid shit all the time. I remember you burning your arm on my Curl 'N' Iron, you didn't notice it was on there for the longest time till we seen the later results of what kind of burn it was; a "Fucking Bad Bubbly Burn," but of course you got me back by breaking my pinky by sliding on it. I had to get a whole arm cast which made me look dumb. Brother, do you remember the Nintendo 64? We stayed up late playing Donkey Kong and Super Mario. How about the time I was giving you a ride on the bike and we crashed and you flew over the handle bars? We got up and looked at each other and busted out laughing. You’re the best brother I know, or have known till our other brothers came into the picture. I want to thank you for being there when I needed you most, during boy talks, mom talks, missing dad talks, and of course waking up at two in the morning to eat cereal with me. You’re the Best!

My Granny Cakes

Once upon a time there lived an old lady that lived at the bottom of a mesa in New Mexico, her name was Rebecca. This lady had three crazy kids, and they gave her plenty of grandchildren that could barely all fit in her house.  Every birthday she would spoil her grandchildren with Butterfingers, Snickers, Ramen noodles, and crackers of all sorts. Not your average family you might see every day, but this is her world. A long time ago she had a gambling problem, this old lady would ask for a dollar to play her promo. An old lady like her she had a rude side, waitresses and waiters feared for their lives; afraid she’d say “off with their heads!” or her famous quote “it’s about time” this quote was applied to any person who wastes her time. During her nights with her grandchildren she’d read them a chapter in her “fairy tale” book, luckily the children were little and didn’t understand the full meanings of the words she spoke. Imagine if they knew what thrust and lingered really meant in a full sentence, not even a good picture for them to imagine. This old lady still scares waiters, still spoils her grandchildren, and this time actually reads children fairy tale books. This old lady is my grandma, and yes I was spoiled with Ramen noodles.

Auntie Dede.

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant, crying behind closed doors of my grandma’s house; what was I going to do? It was January break and my mom was home in Colorado; who could I tell? My auntie Dede was my only option, my only option because I knew she wouldn’t get mad at me. I had to pin point my perfect time to tell her; perhaps when she’s driving? Big semi’s and cars on the freeway, I began thinking this is a bad idea.

“Auntie, Can I tell you something?”

“What? Baby what!” my tears started to fall from my eyes and soon she was crying too. I then told her I was pregnant, more tears started to stream down our faces. She held my hand and reassured me that everything was going to be okay.

Flash backs of my childhood soon came to mind. She was my best friend growing up. Always around when I needed her help, whether it was homework or cooking; she was by my side.

Mommy.

Do you remember when dad taught me how to walk?

You were so happy but sad at the same time because I didn't learn from you.

Do you remember for Halloween my friends huddled around you because they were scared of the haunted house and I was left out?

Do you remember when you told me dad would never be in our lives the way he use to be?

Dad taught me to walk with him so I could walk with you and be like you. During Halloween I was left out because all friends moms weren't there, so I let them borrow you so they could feel how safe I felt with you. When dad died we both felt the same, we lost the man we loved so much, but now we see him everyday in Dallas.

I love you mom and it's true! I'm just like you; Beautiful, Smart, and Everything Sweet.

Best Friends

Band-Aids.

They held me together when I had boo-boo’s

They cured my loneliness and heartbreak.

Guarded me and made sure no dirt or germs hurt me.

This is how I describe my best friends.

Every first happens with them.

First Ditch,

First High.

First in almost everything.

Every day is we make our decisions on which paths we should take, we support each other in our decisions; no matter how bad they are.

I know we may not be together every day like high school,

But I know we’ll always have each other’s backs.

I love you guys.

Your my Sudoku

Love & Sudoku.

yes to me it seems like love is sudoku.
you try to get every number 1-9 in each column, row and box.
pen or pencil.

i usually use pen, its permanent with no erasing.
like love, you say 'i love you' and you mean it.
problem with using pen is that once you make a mistake, no erasing.
that is when sometimes i wish to use a pencil.
like accidentally when you say 'babe i hate when you act like a total *****'
sometimes you cant erase or chew it over with a snickers, because still there'll
still be that arguing over stupid stuff.

think of one sudoku puzzle equals one month.
your proudly geting a hang of sudoku but then all of a sudden you have an error.
once your sudoku puzzle is screwed up, your relationship probably is to.
maybe he/she will give you another chance and give you a new puzzle to start over with,
lucky you, some others aren't given that chance.

if you haven't really gotten good at sudoku and are looking in the back of the book for answers,
that would be equall to cheating on the one you love.
your not making a full commitment to the relationship, your giving up.

my relationship is like sudoku.
i sometimes can be hapy and countinue to the next puzzle with no problem.
soon it comes to the time when i need to start using a pencil, i get upset and frustrated.
a problem in the puzzle, i want to quit at times but then i remember why i fell in love with sudoku.
i love my boyfriend, he is my sudoku.
its almost been a year, so i'm on my twelfth sudoku puzzle right now.
i'm almost done with it but i dont know how to finish, i'm confused with this puzzle.
i want him with me when we both finish our sudoku together but sadly its not going to happen.
he'll celebrate by doing something fun as if its just another day
while i celebrate it in my truck on the road missing him

How Special Am I?

it's almost three days til my birthday,
on your calendar marked with a big circle around it.
i can't wait, you got me excited and wondering what you have planned for me.
a movie? lunch? dinner? flowers?
oooh i just can't wait.

but today i found out i'll be out of town on business.
a few hundred miles away.
i'm thinking of that big circle you have marked on your calendar
and what is happening to our plans we had?
since i'll only be four hours away, i'm thinking to myself
"it would be a lovely surprise for you to show up, and be with me on my special day."
so i write an e-mail and send it your way.

waiting for your e-mail to come in...
bleep!
okay i just recieved your e-mail.

My Love,
it's okay, i'll be seeing you after you come back from your trip. I understand you got a job to fulfill so i'll see you when you gey back. i love you with all my heart.
Your Love.

short an simple.
i expected more then just three sentences.
i was sad but i was happy he understood i had a job to do.

today is my birthday.
like every morning i check my e-mail.
i got good news today, my boss decides to let me have the weekend off.
i realize my plans with my love aren't ruined.
i rush to get in the shower and fix my hair.

phone rings its nine o'clock, i'm expecting it's you to say happy birthday,
but no.
it's my friend asking if i was going with my boyfriend on his fun trip.
seems like you planned it three days ago when i had told you i was leaving.
didn't take you very long to find something fun to do for my birthday.

so after i hang up the phone, i turn the volume on silent.
i decide i might as well not call you or take your calls.
how long should i make you wait?

Will there be an Us?

i'll be waiting for you,
waiting for you to come through the door.
wondering if you'll talk to me,
or just lay silently next to me.

i'm letting you down,
i always have your hopes up
then tradgically find a way to hurt you
it is my fault, this time i know you probably wont forgive me

the door just opened.
who could it be?
who else could have the key to our house?
i dont heard the pots and pans of you cooking,
i dont hear the tv going,
i do hear the shower going.
i'm laying on the bed looking through our old photos.
back when we were young and innocent.
the picture of us when we were at our special place.
the shower stopped, i hear the towel slip off the rack
as you tie it around your waist.
now i'm thinking of how badly i shouldnt be forgiven.
im sorry.
no footsteps to the bed room.
footsteps in the other direction to the spare room
the room where someday a baby is suppose to be.
i wonder if that baby will ever be given a life to live.
the moon skips away as the sun approaches.
i havent slept, i havent heard you awake yet.
i rush to the kitchen, but there you are.
sitting at the table with your coffee in one hand,
a sigh crawls out of your mouth.
i wait for it. but it's no words again, only a paper.
Divorce Papers.
and a note with 5 words.
"I thought you loved me?"
he leaves before i could say anything.
how could i have been so stupid,
i never wanted to hurt the one person that meant so much to me,
and now i'm packing my things, all because stupid me.
i should have never cheated.