That's What She Said

 it was only 10pm

we all piled in my car just to take a drive.

everyone was spilling and dishing out secrets.

only because of the drinks they had during the game.

she then said "ugh, you can have him."

this wasn't the first time she had told me this.

she told me this once before she got pregnant.

our babies were 12+ months old,

i was married.

"you can have him,"

i knew how he felt about me,

hes felt that way since i was perhaps 6.

she was buzzed and looking for a way out,

out of my car,

out of her relationship.

many months pass and yet she still says,

"you can have him"

she was no longer with him,

but still giving me her blessing to take him.

he would look at me,

and i knew he loved me.

i loved him,

but i didnt want him.

not in that way.

the type of way,

only when i needed someone to call me out on my bull*.

when i needed a friend to hang out with.

when i wanted to feel loved back.

but his love was too strong.

its 9 years later and she says

"you can have him."

shes not buzzed, she sober.

shes not his, hes not hers.

she knows, him looking at me was "love"

love never given to her.

but still those words echo through the town,

"you can have him"

Burned

"You wore my favorite shirt,
the shirt that shows off your collar bones.
You wore your old school snap back,
and your faded jeans.

You looked at me and laughed,
your way of showing I stare too much.
I smiled as I watched you walk closer.
Walking with your hands in pocket."

I have you burned in my mind this way.

Forever Gone.

Loving Her is Difficult

 Loving her is difficult.

She married my brother,

has babies and bought a home.

I don't know if I can do that?

Can I make her happy?

She smiles as she walks around the farmers market,

I wonder what shes thinking about.

Is she thinking of my brother?, cooking that meal he loves so much.

When I watch them play,

she cuddles right up to him,

like their love will never end.

She married my brother.

I never see her cry,

she holds everything together as if her life is perfect.

Maybe it is?

Could I have made it perfect?

Loving her is difficult.

She smiles at me but then looks at him.

I cant hold her gaze long enough for her to wonder about us.

She married my brother.

Loving her is difficult.

My Mask

 Its been a while,

most of the time I cant force myself to write anything.

instead all these thoughts, ideas, memories, and you come to mind.

When its you....

I don't like to talk about you,

I sometimes forget why we even stopped being an us.

I get dressed, tie my shoes, grab my mask and head out.

Maybe I need a drive, maybe i just need to pick some veggies from the store?

I don't know.

Then its like my heart senses you near.

I grab my things and head to leave.

As soon as I turn the corner there you are.

Staring into my eyes, like you know its me.

I cant hide behind this mask.

I wonder if you want to say something,

I pushed you away for all these years and yet I still hold on.

My heart is racing, staring into your brown eyes.

Your mask doesn't hide you very well either.

As you walk past my heart seems to quicken,

no longer one beat per minute.

Quicken because you are gone, out of sight.

I grab my things and rush out of the door.

I stand beside my car, looking at my reflection,

thinking is this what I look like?

Why do you do this to me?